I suck at crying

I walked in the front door to see Drew (my hubby) and one of his buddies eating fish tacos on our concrete floors.

“I just feel like crying right now..” I said.

They leaned forward, showing me they were ready to listen (and a little bit shocked/thrown off). I attempted to wipe each tear and hide it on my pants before seen.

Crying is weak…there are worst things going on in the world..my problems are not that big of a deal..find the positive…blahablablah

Before I knew it, I was telling them things without thinking.
Deepest-darkest things like, “I have a hard time letting myself FEEL..and I don’t like to cry…”
You know those moments when something extremely profound comes out of your own mouth..something you needed to tell yourself..?!

A few days earlier I attended a goodbye party for my best friend. We ate pizza and drank wine, 7 of us. My best friend and her hubby were moving to Colorado for his job in three days. This was going to be one of the last times I was going to see her in a (very long) while. I hardly said goodbye to them and got into my car.

My friend asked me why I didn’t say goodbye to them. I told her I didn’t know.

I didn’t want to feel it. The girl who stood by my side at my wedding, watched my daughter so I could be at the hospital with my husband, made an effort to meet up with me every single week, knew me better than anyone, my accountability for years..she was moving.

If I don’t say bye, it’s not real, right? I don’t want to lose it and just sob all over the place, so I’ll just leave…

Why? Because I have a hard time letting myself feel the hard stuff. There has been a lot of hard stuff and I don’t like it.
Sitting in the hard stuff. Feeling it. Crying. Learning. Being honest. I wan’t to do this.

Giving myself permission to feel hurt/broken; a few steps.

1. Realize I have people around me who have open shoulder’s to cry on. Encouraging words to say, and hurts of their own.
2. Just because it’s not a “big” deal compared to something or someone else’s hurt or loss, doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal.
3. Understand that it’s normal to be disappointed, to be sad, to be hurt. Not everyone has good days all of the time.
4. Being honest with myself and others is HEALTHY.
5. Vulnerability is beautiful and promotes growth.

Thanks for reading, listening, and letting me be open.

I hope your Wednesday is going well, and if it isn’t I hope you let yourself feel it.

XO,
J

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