Daylight and not having the answer

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(Baby Reese at one week)

“Mama play mangoes with me?” For a child with impeccable pronunciation, legos have gleaned the name of my favorite fruit, and I just might cry when this verbiage is corrected permanently. It’s Friday, time to breathe out and in, finishing out the week strong..even if strong coffee is the only strength over here. My headphones are playing John Mark McMillan and my body is sore. Pocahontas is my babysitter as I attempt to clear my throat and stretch my sore legs, letting my mind free.

My heart has been stretched this week. As I watch my two year old knowing not much but that she is two and most things revolve around her (or should). She is treading water in attempt to have it all her way, fighting hard. This to eat, not that..go here, not there. As I watch her heart break when she is disciplined for a fit because it did not go her way.. I hear her tears and screams down the hall and can’t help but relate. Why this school shooting? Why are the lives of the innocent taken by drunk drivers in the middle of the night when I sleep? Why did papa’s life end so early, he won’t get to meet his new grandchild this September..gosh he would have been full of joy holding that peanut. Toddlers getting hit in the street, dying in their classrooms. Why do people make choices to hurt others and destroy relationships? The answer to these questions, I may never know. But I know it’s not the way I want, and it’s not the way our creator wanted it to be either. As her tears dry up and she begins to play in her room, I walk down the hall.

I don’t have all the answers for her. I never will. I reassure her of my love and tell her that God’s love is sometimes all that I know. When it’s all stripped, when I am weak and wandering, He takes me cheeks in his hands and assures me of his love. Often as lost and confused as a toddler..thinking I know, I just know how life should go; I lean into abiding in His love, because nothing else makes sense. The world will tell me that I am strong and He is weak. O, how I believe this at times and fall hard. As John Mark says, We truly live on the edge of darkness and daylight is coming. Thankful to serve a creator who is love and daylight.

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