I came across a blog post with a comment section about doing funny-ridiculous things out of pure exhaustion. I chuckled as I read about one mama being so sleep deprived that she brewed coffee without putting coffee grounds in and drank the entire mug of hot water without noticing. Ha! Last week I was chatting with a friend and starting putting my 2 month old in my toddler’s carseat. He looks reallllly small in this thing all the sudden…I even fastened one of the buckles..my sweet friend is like girllll realllllyyyyy?!?!
I can’t do it all. I wanted to prove that I had it “all together” after we brought Van home. That people expected this from me. I can do this two kid thing. I’ll post professional looking pictures with matching outfits. I felt myself stressing that house was clean, meals were brought or made and I made it to places on time. Sounds ridiculous, but as a recovering perfectionist, it’s just how I wanted it. Everything looked really good from the outside..we were surviving AND thriving, people! Look, see!?!? Underneath it all, there was one major problem. My stress level was through the roof and days passed looking really good but feeling really quite awful.
I could feel my insides boiling and becoming extremely agitated if Reese had to go to the bathroom as we were leaving the house. We have to be on time. Van is screaming but we are doing this anyway.
After a night of food poisoning and zero sleep, I stood in the shower and let myself feel for the first time since Van has been born. Flowing out of me was the truth I felt deep down…this is hard. I just want to cry. I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. I can’t do it all. I wasn’t cut out for this. It was better than therapy. Just me, being honest with myself about not being able to do it all.
This began the process of letting go and being real with how it’s going and letting myself feel. Giving myself permission to be in this hard life stage of having an infant and a toddler. Honesty with self; not pushing my kids to the next thing if it’s best for us to just stay home. Being okay with feeling overwhelmed; sitting right there in it and feeling it and it’s okay. To leave the house with toys everywhere and dishes in the sink if thats what makes for a peaceful departure. Asking for help. To give myself tons of grace every single moment.It’s funny that you can feel so much pressure and you look around and realize YOU are the one laying it on. Telling myself I don’t have to do it all and actually believing it has changed my life. Perfectionism is a drug and unattainable, not fun, and you miss out on really good things. Like staying up after bedtime with Reese in our bed chatting about princesses and chocolate. The house needed to be clean and I am pretty strict on bedtime..but that time with her mattered way more. Re-prioritizing my life to what matters most to me. Do I looooooove a clean house, of course! Who doesn’t? But at what cost? What matters most at the end of the day?
So here I am, a mama of two..not doing it all. Releasing myself of pressure to take the kids here, have my makeup done, get my body back, comparing, spotless floors and leaning into dance parties, adventures, being thankful, loving others, serving as a family, working hard, laughter. The heart mattering most. Pursuing good, meaningful things and not striving to look put together on the outside when things are crumbling inside. So, there ya have it. Embracing the mess that is beautiful life with two babes. Cheers to saying yes to the good, doing the hard stuff together, enjoying the journey and letting go because this is hard and so, so beautiful too.