2am conversations

IMG_1610I’m not sure who the people are that are getting a full night of sleep, but I don’t think I want toย hear from you. I am SO very happy for you, but please keep your solid 8 hours to yourself and pretend you live off the bean like I do. That said, 2am this morning, I was up. Not because my baby needed to nurse, no..he was fast asleep. I was up waiting for him to wake up, I guess. Thoughts of my cousin, Garth. Read the story here. He was tragically lost at sea just a few days ago. I have so many fears and thoughts when I read and reread the news articles and talk with family. My heart hurts for his siblings, his parents.
It feels like a nightmare that I’m still waiting to wake from. I don’t get it, I have so many questions, my heart races and I let my mind wander too much.ย In the silence, at 2am, it wanders. I feel my skin begin to sweat and all I can hear is my fast beating heart and my dog snoring down the hall. I let my mind go because it’s quiet and anytime I can think, I must. It’s hard to think with kids around, seriously.

I get scared and feel myself getting overwhelmed with fear of the “what if’s.” This world is scary and there aren’t many answers. I lay still and something completely washes over me.

I am for you, not against you.ย 

I hear it almost audibly and it stops my mind wandering and I feel His presence. He says it again, I am for you, not against you.ย 

I don’t cry a ton, I really don’t. I didn’t here either. I smiled because I heard a message straight from Him and it gave me a peace that I can’t even begin to explain. He is on your side, our side. On our team, the victor. The creator of the world.

I don’t say this to brag. Believe me, my faith is NOTHING to brag about..work in progress over here. I can’t begin to tell you the nearness I felt and believe me, I haven’t felt it in a while. He met me in a simple way with a simple statement and I am so thankful. He really is near to the brokenhearted and I am in awe of his love,tenderness and grace.

My prayer is that He will meet you too, in whatever way He knows you need. He is right there, even though I seldom “feel” his presence.

All my love to each of you.

J